It’s time for another break from the serious nature of most my posts.
Global terrorism, threats of pandemic, phenomenally efficient weaponry, alarming political trends…sure, these things are distressing and important to all of us. But they get plenty of attention. Today I want to highlight a few of the often-overlooked–and just as important–reasons our world is clearly a worse place than it has ever been.
1. Near-universal coffee dependency in the Western world–It seems to me a strike at Starbucks could effectively bring nations to their knees. Why aren’t more people concerned about this?
2. No one writes sonnets anymore–Writing poetry used to be a rigorous and well-respected task requiring serious skill. Now most poetry doesn’t even rhyme. And when it does rhyme, well, let’s just say it’s best not to try too hard if you don’t have what it takes.
3. We have managed to produce a generation that is too lazy to eat cereal—Cap’n Crunch is rolling over in his grave.
4. We have to watch TV at the gas station–Really? In all my years of pumping gas, I never, not even once, thought, “If only they would put a TV out here.”
5. It’s always a holiday–We’re not just overdoing Christmas anymore. As soon as the Christmas clearance ends, the stores are ready for Valentine’s Day. On February 15 it’s time to start buying for Easter, and as soon as that’s over we’re supposed to start gearing up for July 4. And of course Halloween and Christmas hit at about the same time, in early August. What’s the point of a holiday if you’re sick of it by the time it arrives?
6. Selfies–We just don’t need that many pictures of anyone.
7. Recipes are a commodity–Once as precious as family heirlooms, lovingly copied by hand and given out as tokens of friendship, recipes are more abundant than selfies.
8. The dominance of the SEC in college football–I’m surprised no presidential candidate has realized how many votes would come from promising a solution to this one.
9. We aren’t allowed to eat anything–Seriously, try googling “the dangers of broccoli.” It’s a wonder the human race has survived.
10. The polarization of toilet paper–Have you noticed the escalation in the battle for softness? Casualties are high, and we are down to very few options: the brands that are so thick and soft they’re approaching a redefinition as actual fabric, and the ones that gave up a long time ago. The middle class is shrinking, and it’s hitting our bottom line.
Well, someone had to say something.
© 2016 Amy Simpson.