Your Expectations Can Hurt or Heal You

For years, as Denmark has consistently ranked among the happiest countries in the world, people have been speculating on the reasons behind this relatively high level of self-reported happiness. After all, this Scandinavian country doesn’t fit the image most people would form when asked to dream of the place where they might be happiest. Explanations are wide-ranging, including a new suggestion that happiness is hard-wired in the genetic makeup of Scandinavian people. But for years, the most popular explanation was in Danish pessimism. This rationale claims that people who have low expectations for life will find their expectations fulfilled more often than those who expect more and find themselves disappointed. This fulfillment of expectations produces happiness.

At least one scientific study has determined that low expectations really are the key to happiness in life. Researchers at University College London found that when people made a series of decisions resulting in small wins and losses, their happiness with the experience was dependent not on their circumstances, but on how their circumstances compared with their expectations. The researchers even created a mathematical equation to reflect their findings, illustrating how strongly happiness is dependent on what we expect. It makes common sense: if your expectations are low, you have a greater chance of being surprised by something better than you expect, instead of the other way around.

On the other hand, consistently low expectations can keep our lives small and make us miss opportunities. Low expectations can become self-fulfilling prophecies. And if we don’t have space in our lives for risking disappointment, we won’t have space for anticipation either.

There is much to be said for realistic expectations, based in what is true about the world and about us. Realistic expectations keep us from minimizing our lives in a bid for emotional safety; they also help us anticipate and hope for what is good. Sometimes they result in disappointment, and sometimes they lead us to delight.

Chronic disappointment isn’t good for us. It hurts our physical bodies and discourages our minds. It can make us into persistently negative people and inhibit motivation and engagement in life. It can create levels of stress and dissonance that contribute to depression and anxiety-based disorders.

One reason disappointment hurts us is because it produces a sense of conflict between our internal expectations and external reality. When we hold on to unrealistic expectations, or persist in demanding that our experience of life be something it’s not, we position ourselves for an ongoing sense of conflict with our own lives as they unfold. Obviously, disappointment is part of life for absolutely everyone. We all have this experience. However, it does not have to be a long-term or frequent state of mind.

Our expectations also have the power to help or hurt our mental health. Like all of our thoughts, they have powerful influence on the way our brains function. In some cases—especially with the most common forms of mental illness, like depression and anxiety disorders—our thoughts and our beliefs can literally make us sick. And when we are living with thought patterns that hurt our emotional or mental well-being, those thoughts can keep us from getting better. Healthy, well-balanced, truth-based thoughts, on the other hand, can be very good for us.

Realistic expectations can produce a healthy environment for both receiving and pursuing fulfillment of those expectations. They can produce a sense of harmony between our the lives we’re pursuing and the lives we’re living. They make room in our lives for appreciation of what we have and anticipation of what will come.

The most important expectations in our lives are the expectations we have of God. Many of us expect God to heal us, fix our circumstances, make us comfortable, change the people we love, and give us complete emotional and spiritual fulfillment here and now. And we wonder why he doesn’t. Is that too much to expect of our all-powerful, always good God?

When we expect such things of God and he doesn’t deliver, we may find ourselves disappointed and disillusioned. We may believe God has let us down. We may determine we have expected too much of him. We might decide we need to lower our expectations of God, to make them more realistic.

But ironically, when it comes to God, such expectations are not too high. They are way too low. He has far more in mind for us, for now and someday. Our expectations of God can never be too high. But they must be combined with a realistic view of our own compromised capacity for experiencing God, plus the humble recognition that God does not exist to follow our plans or conform to our hopes and dreams. He is writing his own autobiography, and he turns the pages at his own pace.

Why settle for making us comfortable when he intends to transform us? Why make us happy in our corrupt world when he wants us to join him in anticipation of the restoration of all creation? Why manipulate the world to be what we want it to be, when he is making all things new, to be what he intends it to be?

For our own good, let’s shift our expectations of God. Let’s learn to expect far more than for him to bow to our whims. He will not disappoint us.

7 Comments
  1. Rachel Neubacher says:

    I was literally just talking to God about this on the way back from the fertility doctor. 11 years of trying, 3 miscarriages, no live births, 2 years of fertility appointments, 2 IUIs, 1 surgery to open up my right tube, and going in for my 3rd IUI tomorrow. All this on top of working two part time jobs (full time together), going to school full time for my doctorates and starting up my own private practice as of Friday so I can get rid of one of the part time jobs. I fully believe He will fulfill His promise for children, but I do not know the timing He will do it in. I am following His plan in every area I can and wondering why the timing has not been close to my own. It takes so much faith to do all of this. The time, money, effort, and constant fight to be positive about things when everyone has their opinion and all think somehow you are messing up, do not have enough faith, have too much faith, have too much expectations, do too much, and every other judgement when all you know and want to do is follow His plan. You walk by faith and not by sight. Those mountains can move. I do not know why they had not yet, but I keep pressing towards the mark. That is all I can do. What do you gain from giving up? What do you gain from going forward no matter what?

  2. Philip Enomoto says:

    I recalled an interview with Christian author, theologian and educator Dallas Willard whom was asked to summarize Jesus Christ in one word. He thought for a while and said, “Relaxed”! This summarizes Jesus Christ in one word said Dallas.
    At 70 years old, I’m still practicing being like the Jesus Christ the Relaxed-One within whom I abide and whom abides in me.
    It takes daily practice.

  3. Sue says:

    I have read and re-read this article many times because this describes my thinking. I am afraid to take medicine for depression. I pray every day to Jesus and suffer everyday, crying out to Jesus, why won’t you help me? This makes me more depressed thinking that God has not chosen to help me the way I feel He should. I want to get better without medicine. I am now asking God to show me His plan to get better and for the strength to do it His way.

    • Amy says:

      Sue, I hope you will receive God’s wisdom to help you make a good decision. It’s possible that God is already answering your prayer by providing the medicine you need. God bless you as you seek his way.

© 2018 Amy Simpson.